Love and Light Images

These Beautiful Love Games

2012-01-28T10:00:00.002-06:00

Young lovers wisely say,

"Let's try it from this angle,

Maybe something marvelous will happen,

Maybe three suns and two moons

Will roll out

From a hiding place in the body

Our passion has yet to ignite."

Old lovers say,

"We can do it one more time,

How about from this longitude

And latitude -

Swinging from a rope tied to the ceiling,

Maybe a part of God

Is still hiding in a corner of your heart

Our devotion has yet to reveal."

Bottom line:

Do not stop playing

These beautiful

Love

Games.

~Hafiz

Holy Desire

2012-01-26T23:12:00.002-06:00

In many parts of the world water is scarce and precious.
People sometimes have to walk a great distance,
then carry heavy jugs upon their heads.
Because of our wisdom, we will travel far for love.
All movement is a sign of thirst.
Most speaking really says, "I am hungry to know you."
Every desire of your body is holy; every desire of your body is holy.
Dear one, why wait until you are dying to discover that divine truth?

Hafiz

No Mistakes

2012-01-25T17:05:00.001-06:00

...you cannot make a mistake,

you can only make a decision

that will be your next best step.

There is no reason to hesitate

when you know that you have nothing to lose.

And losing is not an act of God,

it is a thought in the mind of humans.

Get rid of the thought

and you get rid of doubt.
Ride your Wisdom to Victory.

~Neale Donald Walsh

This Isn't All Real

2012-01-23T23:38:00.001-06:00

Everyone who shows up in our lives

shows up the way they are showing up

so that you can show up

the way you planned to show up.

Are you showing up that way?

Or have you forgotten why that person who is

"doing it to you"

is doing it to you...?

Do not make the mistake of thinking this is all real.

~Neale Donald Walsh

Virtue and Evil

2012-01-23T00:00:00.000-06:00

...virtue cannot separate itself from reality

without becoming a principle of evil.

Albert Camus said that, and he was right.

When we become too virtuous, when we think

ourselves to be oh so right, we become dangerous

to ourselves and others.

Be careful of those who imagine themselves to be on

the High Road while everyone else is walking the Low.

If they really are on the High Road, they will offer to take

everyone else with them, not simply tell others that they

are going the wrong way.

~Neale Donald Walsh

Daddy

2012-01-21T00:09:00.000-06:00

I have always loved this photograph of my father.

All too bright sunlight

and all too dark shadows,

it's taken in the harsh light of day,

so he's a squinty-eyed boy.

But he knows what to do with himself

and looking at it

makes me feel safe,

even now.

A handsome casual pose,

and jewelry already...

His confidence gives me confidence.

His father - my grandfather, died of a heart attack,

his mother - my grandmother, was killed by a drunk driver,

both when my father was still quite young.

I didn't have this information until last year.

In a way, it changed me.

His family was huge

by today's standards.

I have the fondest

childhood memories

and sense of belonging from them,

and a new found sense of belonging with them.

My father died when I was ten,

he'd be 83 now.

LeRoy McClain

July 4, 1928 - January 20, 1974

Being Love

2012-01-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

The recognition and control

of your own body of feeling arid emotion

is one of the very first lessons to be learnt,

if you would develop spiritual insight,

because your feelings,

if uncontrolled,

are going to cause a storm...

You see from this

that to protect yourself

from adverse and disturbing thoughts,

and to control your emotional body,

you too must seek the love of God,

the love of Christ.

You must pray for,

and strive to become,

this gentle love.
~White Eagle

Perfection Is The Enemy of Achievement

2012-01-16T22:27:00.001-06:00

...at some point it may serve you to decide that

a particular project or undertaking is complete.

Seeking excellence is one thing; never finding

anything totally satisfactory is another.

It is as I have told you before:

Perfection is the obstacle of creation

and the enemy of achievement.

At some point you've got to say, "This is good.

And this is enough." If you cannot do this, you will

never get anything done -- and that is the opposite

of what you want, is it not?

~Neale Donald Walsh

Force Within

2012-01-11T17:30:00.000-06:00

There is a force within that gives you life

—Seek that.

In your body there lies a priceless jewel

-Seek that.

Oh, wandering Sufi,

if you are in search of the greatest treasure,

don't look outside,

Look within,

and seek That."

~Rumi

My Business

2012-01-03T21:00:00.000-06:00

"When you talk about my business,

do it in my presence,

lest your Karma cause yours

to be shared with the world"

~ friend of Confucius

On The Brink of A Bright New Year

2011-12-31T11:32:00.000-06:00

I choose to live by choice,

not by chance;

to make changes,

not excuses;

to be motivated,

not manipulated;

to be useful,

not used;

to excel,

not compete.

I choose self esteem,

not self pity;

I choose to listen to my inner voice;

not the random opinions of others.

~Unknown

Debate

2011-12-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

To argue with a person

who has renounced the use of reason

is like administering medicine

to the dead.

~Thomas Paine

Family

2011-12-27T23:20:00.000-06:00

Had a great time yesterday

photographing

Evan and Amy

and the rest of their family.

:-)

The beauty of this time of year

among its many other gifts

is the opportunity to photograph

the love of several generations

in one family...

Be Good To Yourself

2011-12-26T14:00:00.000-06:00

... you must be good to yourself if you are

ever going to be any good for others.

This means take a day off once in a while

when it's not scheduled. Eat of piece of chocolate

when it's not recommended. Take a nap

when it's just not possible.

Get your face into a good book for an hour

when you can't afford to. Soak in a tub

when there's no time to. Stop everything

when you're not supposed to. Do this now,

right now, for goodness sake.

~Neale Donald Walsh

You Are The Light of The World

2011-12-25T07:00:00.000-06:00

... there is a light which cannot ever be extinguished.

It is inside of you.
It is you.

Let your light so shine upon the world
that the world will

know Who You Really Are
-- and its people will know

who they really are as well,
through the light of your example.

The darkness of our world awaits you
-- not to engulf you, but to be transformed by you.

During this Season of the Light,
be its Source
for all those who search for Joy.

~Neale Donald Walsh

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas.
Remember on this beautiful day of love,
that you are the light.

The Man Who Has Arrived

2011-12-23T20:30:00.000-06:00

The man who has arrived

will realize that he has done so

in the midst of an outer confusion;

he will be the one

who has gone into the silence for strength

and has come out into the world

equipped with power from on high;

but that light which he has received

must be kept burning.

Not alone in the silence,

but in the busy throng

must all of us find the way of life.

Our every thought creates.

For the majority of us,

these thoughts come in everyday affairs,

some of which are very trivial,

but these, too, will be demonstrated.

We have missed the whole point

unless we have learned

so to control our thought

that time and place make no difference.

From Creative Mind by Ernest Holmes, Science of Mind Publishing.

Two Fisted Blogger

2011-12-21T06:30:00.000-06:00

"This Is What A Lesbian Looks Like"

and this is what a lesbian blogs like:

Love and Light

(that's right, click on the link and read the new blog.

Go ahead. Do it. You know you want to...)

Waitaminit.

I thought this blog was what a lesbian blogs like...

but I blogged somewhere else too.

I'm a two fisted blogger.

Am I cheating on myself?

Check it out.

(See?

Another link to the same blog,

so that you are SURE to click through)

And comment on it

so I look fabulous and popular

ferchrissakes.

That is all.

Ok, maybe not.

But this is:

Why?

Because it's funny, that's why.

Ok. That is all.

Really.

Power

2011-12-15T18:30:00.000-06:00

"...happiness never derives from power over others.

ThomasJefferson made that observation and he was right.

Seek,therefore, power with, not power over.

Thisincludes people in the world, people in your home,

andwhoever else may be in your bed...

The bestway to experience power (or anything)

is to giveit away. Make someone else powerful and

you becometwice as powerful as you were before.

Makesomeone else loved and you become twice as loved.

Makesomeone else feel good and you feel twice as good.

It doesn'tget any better than this. And it's all so... simple."

~Neale Donald Walsh

Intimacy

2011-12-13T22:05:00.001-06:00

Intimacy is inward bravery

turned outward

to include another person.

The Invitation

2011-12-12T21:30:00.000-06:00

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Warmth

2011-12-09T06:30:00.000-06:00

BRRrrrRRrr. It's cold.

But I have a nice pair,

so it's allllll good.

Big Gay Day

2011-12-07T06:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a big gay day!

I am so proud of the international face

Hillary Clinton put forth for our country

at the Geneva Convention.

In a thirty minute speech

delivered for the whole world to hear -

she made it boldly and beautifully clear

that LGBT rights

were human rights.


Oh alright, it's just a cell phone snap. I'll take one with the hefty big pro camera later. :-p

Meanwhile, back at the ranch,
on the way to a sweet little AGLIFF mixer at Frank,

I stopped at Book People,

to find myself on the stands

(with Jane Lynch, OMG!)

in this month's Curve Magazine.

Yours truly is

"What A Lesbian Looks Like,"

this month.

I couldn't be happier to be so publicized

on a day that the worldwide LGBT community

was so widely and powerfully spoken of by Ms. Clinton.

Even with all this,

the sweetest part of the day had to be seeing

Curve editor Merryn John's words in her editor's letter:

"Joni McClain, resident chaplain..."

My heart sings.

Betrayal

2011-12-02T19:00:00.000-06:00

I get a lot of inspiring email from several life coaches whose work I admire, but yesterday, I got one that contained this statement:

"Everyone of us must walk the path of forgiveness; we don’t get out of this lifewithout that curriculum.

There’s not oneperson who doesn’t have the experience of betrayal. It doesn’t matter what formor face it brings; it’s the curriculum of becoming, the unveiling of the powerand the authority that indwells every one of us."

I had to read it over and over and over and over so that it could soak in. What the hell does that mean "it's the curriculum of becoming, the unveiling of the power and authority that indwells every one of us"?

And then I got to thinking, if everyone has had the experience of betrayal, then I've probably been blamed at one point or another in my life for betraying someone. Even though I do everything I think I can to remain within my own integrity about being honest and forthright and... oh...

ok, well, there was that woman I dated back in my twenties who stormed into the bar one night drunk as could be, banging on my deejay booth and making my music skip (because I'm so old we actually played vinyl then...) I kept looking helplessly over at my boss hoping she'd kick the woman out but she was too amused to do anything about it. Honestly. I didn't betray this woman. I just decided it was best to not move in with her or date her. Oh, alright. Maybe she felt betrayed.

But I was thinking more along the lines of this:

A couple of years after that little incident I was living with someone - my very first live in someone when I found myself attracted to another woman. No we didn't have a full blown affair, sorry, the story is not that titillating, but I did kiss her. I kissed her. I hauled off and kissed her and couldn't blame anyone else for my actions. I really honestly only meant to give her a sisterly, chaste peck - or, ok, maybe I'd been contemplating like a teenaged boy on how to pull it off all night long, I don't remember which - but I do know it seemed as if there was no other option once the opportunity arose. Just sayin'...

Before I could contain myself it was as if the force of gravity had gathered up behind my original intention of that sisterly chaste peck, twisting it around so that my head tilted to the perfect angle and my lips landed right on hers. Soft. Open. And with the fullest of erotic promise. It felt wrong and electric and innocent all at once. Her lips were a perfect fit. All the energy in the room rushed in to center on us, all my senses expanded, the pounding noise surrounding us became immediately apparent, and she tasted like air after a spring rain.

But it also felt terribly wrong.

What the hell?

Obviously it stuck with me. I swore I'd never do it again. It seemed so out of character, and wrong and I felt like I had betrayed my girlfriend. Having already had the experience of betrayal myself, I didn't want anyone else to feel that way.

And I still don't.

But as much as I have desperately tried to keep others from feeling that way - sometimes to the extent of denying myself my own happiness, I realize it can't be helped. I can't control such things.

In order to experience forgiveness someone has to do something for us to forgive, right? And isn't perception so very different when it comes to the same event that might involve said forgiveness? What if, all along, what seems to one person the right thing to do for their own happiness, is perceived as betrayal by another? There's nothing to be done about that - except forgive.

"Everyone of us must walk the path of forgiveness; we don’t get out of this lifewithout that curriculum.

Luckily, that woman who was banging on the booth so long ago - has also long ago forgiven me. I think of her from time to time, as she became a sweet friend a few years later. We've since lost touch with one another.

As for that girlfriend I betrayed? She barely flinched when I told her - but, she'd been having her own affair of much greater proportion. Seems I had some of my own forgiving to do...

"Today let us chooseagain in any area where we out of alignment. Let us choose to release ourselvesfrom pain through the great power of forgiveness, and feel the fullness of ourlife."

And so it is...

Potpourri

2011-12-01T07:00:00.000-06:00

There's so many ideas to write about swirling around in my head.

How about a post on Spirituality and Betrayal?

Sex and Spirituality? (Hell yeah!)

How about the sneak peek at the December issue of Curve Magazine???

Ok ... so, I am trying to be cool about my fifteen minutes of Curve fame but now I can't help it. Why? It's the issue with Jane Lynch on the cover! I wanna be Jane when I grow up. We're now like... two degrees of Kevin Bacon apart.

Here's my fantasy story about me and Jane:

Jane gets her issue of Curve. She thumbs through, stops on the delicious photograph and article about me. She finds herself interested, pulls up my website, and emails me about doing some photography. That's where it all ends, though. (I said I wanted to BE her when I grow up, not DO her when I grow up. But if she has a friend that I find hot, I might ask to be introduced.) Eventually Jane and I become fast friends, because she's so damned talented and hysterical and fun, and she thinks I am too. She becomes erroneously associated with me in the press, yet nothing is going on. End of story.

Jane Lynch ... Jane Lynch didn't get a Lady song in this week's episode of Glee. Personally I was hoping for more than teenage cheerleader antics during the "Kissed A Girl" number, but it is high school, after all.

I digress.

Stay tuned for Spirituality and Betrayal, and... yep... Sex and Spirituality...

p.s. and then there's this HOT I Love Career Girl Calendar in this month's issue of Curve. Holy Moly! Now why didn't I think of that? There's more here.

Sober Half My Life - The Aftermath

2011-11-29T09:10:00.001-06:00

I've discovered, after getting such really great feedback - from people who I'd least expected, and some who were there to see the ugly bits, that I'm even further grateful for the path I've traveled.

Stuff like this gives me the continued courage in the times I don't always have it, to keep being the me I was meant and sent here to be.

Networked Blogs is the bestest thing - a great tool for my blog. But whaddahappenz is, people see my post on my Facebook page, and they post there and not here on my blog, but the comments have been so beautiful, I've gotta repost.

Here's a couple of the comments:

"Just got through reading your blog...it literally brought tears to my eyes... I absolutely love healing in all of its aspects--the rock bottom of it, the courage to ask for help, the tenacity to fight for yourself and the determination to change how you view yourself, others and the world...I love it!...and you, having accepted the challenge and followed your truth, have made the world a better place. I'm grateful for you, Joni McClain, and the work you've done and the healing energy you've put forth in the world that we ALL benefit from..."

and...

"Joni - I hear ya. My whole childhood was about drinking. Not me, but I was empathic enough that it might as well had been. The bad parts got way blown out of proportion. The good parts were all....under water and hard to see. Still they were what got us through in the end. My mom would have been sober 30 or 40 years by now.

So, it's good to stay awake to the edge....and very good to keep doing good anyway. We're all the better for it. Thank you."

I didn't post the comments above just to brag. Although I admit that they make me feel good.

There are great losses both chosen and not, that shape and define where I am today. When I look at the places in life where I can't seem to fit the all puzzle pieces where I think they should belong, it helps to know that just continuing to seek, evolve and learn is enough. Not only that - it's enough AND it apparently can help someone else. Even when we don't know we've helped them.

I feel very human and I can see all my own shortcomings. There have been many days when it's taken every thing I've had in me to feel worthy enough to get out of bed.

In my life I have only been doing what I thought were the right things to do to make myself better. I just have a dogged commitment to evolving, and up until not so long ago, I was often motivated by feeling there was something wrong with me rather than acknowledging that I am okay the way I am. The natural course of life includes a desire to simply grow.

This landmark sober birthday has been so humbling! And I'm growing to accept about myself a quote that I carried with me the first three years of sobriety:

To laugh often and love much:
To win respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one's self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived...
This is to have succeeded.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I suppose it really is an act of love for others to care for yourself.

Sober Half My Life...

2011-11-27T19:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I began my day at 7am, wide awake and wishing I could sleep, but as "good chaplains" (and of course I want to be one) are wont to do, I figured I must be awake in order to journal or meditate or ponder this milestone of an occasion. So that's what I did.

On Facebook, I posted yesterday morning:

"Sober half my life today."

And I am, and here I am.

40 comments and over 85 likes later I realized this really is a milestone. I reviewed my thoughts. I realized that as I had approached the ages of 30 and 40 my life had not flashed before my eyes as this sober birthday has over the last 48 hours.

How did I come from being a cocky little snob (that's what I hear!) of a deejay in a lesbian bar to being a chaplain/educator/actor/photographer. (I should probably focus on one thing, ya think?)

Half. My. Life.

Half my life...??????????

I will share a little of my story. Because I can, and because it's my birthday, and it's my blog after all.

I won't regale you with drinking stories - honestly, my long time friends remember them better than me. I'll start with sobering up.

I was standing in Charlie's one night - back then it was Uncle Charlie's. It had to be a Monday night, because back then, all the bars in town were dark on Monday except Charlie's, so that's where those of us who worked in bars would go on Monday. I recall very vividly, leaning over the bar and saying something to the bartender. I don't recall what. What I remember was what I thought afterward: "you sound like your mother, you need to stop drinking," and in that moment, like a scene shot in a movie, everything moved in slow motion for a minute. I picked up my drink and turned around from the bar, I looked up at a neon sign with a clock on it. Someone tall walked past it, darkening it from my view briefly and then I noticed the time. Then things sped up again, I took a gulp off my drink, likely a brandy and soda (ick!) and proceeded to make my way through the crowd. But the moment resonated, and my sobriety began.

First I stopped drinking. I kept smoking pot like a chimney. I enjoyed a prescription drug or two in the form of Vicodin and Valium. I remember consistently going from stoned to more stoned as the day would progress, then I'd wake up and do it again. I remember begging my girlfriend at the time that she had to bring me some Valium home or I'd go crazy and how I had turned into someone who was - well - not in control of herself, at all.

I observed this time in my life, as if I were the person who had decided that night at Charlie's, to get sober. I watched myself behave in these ways as if I were an outsider in my own life and had no control at all over what was unfolding in my life, my thoughts, my behaviors and my heart.

There was a night when I found out my girlfriend at the time had been cheating. I went ahead and had a drink or two, to go with the pot and downers, slammed a few glasses and a bottle of champagne we were saving for our anniversary in a satisfying way on the kitchen floor, and marched out the door straight to the bar where we both worked to kick some ass. Her alleged new affair partner was there. My own friends, who worked in that bar (lovingly) escorted me out of the bar that night - which was a good thing, because I couldn't have kicked anyone's ass at the time if I'd had help.

Eventually, I moved out. Yes, she was cheating. I vowed never to do that to anyone, or to stick around if it happened to me, again.

One morning upon awakening after having "gone home to mother" I remember feeling utterly pathetically miserable. I'd been fired from a couple of jobs (not the ones at bars, of course) I was at home with my mother, I hadn't gone to college and this relationship had gone to hell and that was the LAST thing I wanted.

I am so grateful to say - I began to consider what it was about me that was the matter. No one else was around when I made messes or felt this way. Every where I went, there I was.

For the next five years I worked on being sober, working the 12 steps, immersing myself in learning about Self and relating and relationship. I had been before, and have continued to be, a life long student of my own evolution. The first two or three years were cloudy and blurry and fuzzy. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere but I kept going where it felt safest - AA meetings, and my friend's Francine and Lew's Women's and Men's Clubs.

It was a lot of serious intense work for a couple of years, but put simply, it's is how I began trudging the road to happy destiny twenty four years ago.

The early years, when big hair helped to keep one sober.

Nothing in my life has compared to that "walk across the desert," in those first few years. Except, er, uhm, ... the last couple of years, which have been a walk across a desert in a different way, but a walk all the same. The first walk was about learning what was wrong with me. Let's just say, at that time, if I hadn't sobered up, everything bad about me would have just been worse, and what was bad was already bad enough. My second visit through the desert has been about letting go of what I thought was wrong with me, and creating a new story, one experience at a time. I suppose long term sobriety helps to change one's perspective in that way.

A new friend said to me recently "Damn, 24 years sober. I know how much that changes how we walk in the world. I know... we process it in 3D. It is never really about them because we know some amount is ALWAYS about us."

This is the gift that sobriety gave me. Sobriety has also helped me, in the last few years, to know what's mine and what's not.

This friend also asked me, "what is the most important thing you have learned in sobriety?" I didn't think I'd have a drop dead single statement answer, but I do.

"Life happens, you can lean into it, or not." And the more I lean into it, the more at peace I am. And no matter whether we think life happens through us, to us, or for us, it happens. We can lean into it and accept it... or not.

This is also a pretty damned effective spiritual principle.

So! As I have posted on this blog before - "God long ago drew a circle in the sand in the spot where you are now standing. You were never not coming here." (Rumi) Here I am. And so many things and people have gotten me here. There are so many people who have had a significant impact on my journey - I love them all.

Lately they are these:

The beloved boys whose lives have become a part of mine by choice. If I have had a positive impact by even a half degree on the trajectory in their lives, I hope eventually, that it steers them 90 degrees in a good direction.

The woman I first married. The love we have for one another transcends form, and she is a beloved sister - who, even though at one time appeared to have ruined my life ;-) has come in the last year or two, to save it a few times as well.

The dear, dear friend whose loving friendship saw me through to enjoy life when I thought the woman mentioned above had ruined it. ;-)

My sweet angel friend Faith, who understands and accepts me exactly the way I am, and has helped me to accept myself.

My family, who for whatever crazy reason, believe in their little baby sister. And my father's side of the family, who have welcomed me back into their lives with such generosity and love. They really have helped me to know I only have to be me to be loved.

The best coach a woman could have had - who is so much of an angel she carries the surname; and who took one of the most painful and insecure concepts I had about myself and turned it into the finest of my gifts.

The chaplains who have walked with me on this journey, and the MasterMind partners I've had both new and old.

A very special woman who might have no idea that she was a solid rock, protector, and profound comfort to me when I was the most vulnerable I'd ever felt in my life - and who believed in my feelings when I didn't think anyone else did...

I'm grateful.

And yeah, yeah, yeah... I could go on and on and on and on...

As I embark on being sober LONGER than I'd been using, I am profoundly moved, and despite the long, long, post, I have no words to describe the grace I feel for simply being able to be me, and that God would want me to do nothing more than just that.

Because everyone should have a crazy bad picture of themselves at the gym, right?

It's been two years of mostly sharing quotes here - I'll share the three that have a living breathing effect in my life:

Your task is not to seek for love

but merely to seek and find

all the barriers within yourself

that you have built against it.

~Rumi

Have patience witheverything

that remains unsolved in your heart.

Try to love the questionsthemselves,

like locked rooms

and like books written in a foreign language.

Donot now look for the answers.

They cannot now be given to you

because you couldnot live them.

It is a question of experiencing everything.

At present you needto live the question.

Perhaps you will gradually,

without even noticing it,

find yourself experiencing the answer,

some distant day.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

“Imagine yourself as a living house.

God comes in torebuild that house.

At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.

Heis getting the drains right

and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on;

youknew that those jobs needed doing

and so you are not surprised.

But presently

He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably

and does notseem to make any sense.

What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that Heis building

quite a different house from the one you thought of

- throwing outa new wing here,

putting on an extra floor there,

running up towers,

makingcourtyards.

You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage:

butHe is building a palace.

He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

~C.S. Lewis

And as for yesterday?

It was amazing, moving, profound.

And I didn't spend it with anyone

other than myself,

and my God.

If that's not how it should be,

it's certainly the way it is.

:-)

C'est moi, photo © Brenda Ladd Photo for Curve Magazine, due on newsstands in December

Thanks on Thanksgiving...

2011-11-24T10:21:00.001-06:00

Surprise! A blog post on Thanksgiving about gratitude. How original! But how could I not post on perhaps the most important principle of good living on the day we celebrate it? The noun that has such impact, elevates our mood, changes our lives?

It has been a VERY long time since I've had the typical "Ohmigod I have to spend the holidays with my dysfunctional family" experience. This is not to say my family, or any other families I have been a part of in my past, were not dysfunctional in their own special ways - no, that's not it. It's that I have really, really, really, loved this special, (generally) no pressure, food tastes good, let's just hang out and have a good time holiday.

As for my family, it's as if, some years ago, at least in my experience, we'd had enough tragic shit to be done with our smaller grievances. Death, divorce. These are dramatic things, but they don't have to become a drama. My father died at the age of 42. I was ten. My oldest brother died when he was 45, I was 32. My mother died, not unexpectedly, at 72, I was 42, and two weeks later, my nephew of 26 died. Last year, my sister's husband died unexpectedly and quickly and he was just over 60. That's a lot. And I'm not even mentioning the painful divorces, separations, job losses and general changes we've gone through.

Some families, go entire generations without such dramatic things happening. And I'm not talking about "drama" that dysfunction creates. I'm talking about the "in life, that's just how it is and some things are dramatic," kind of drama.

And my family isn't the only family to experience such things, of course! I am deeply privileged and humbled through the work I do as a chaplain to hear the inner workings and pain that others experience from time to time as well. In recent months I've sat, listened to and prayed with people who have experienced deaths, addiction, divorce, loss of children, loss of homes and pets through the fires that broke out in September, and various and sundry other circumstances.

Last night, at the service at my church, I heard story after story of how grateful people were in the face of their circumstances, including foreclosures and even cancer for some.

So here's the deal: I am not soliciting sympathy nor am I trying to bring anyone down today.

I simply mention these tough things because I want to illustrate the resiliency of human nature on this day, and give thanks for it.

It's beautiful and absolutely right to give thanks for our experiences when we see the external result of "B" occurring because "A" happened.

It's totally appropriate and we should absolutely be grateful when things appear to be positive!

It's another thing entirely to be grateful when external circumstances aren't meeting our expectations.

This is where gratitude really has impact. To be grateful for sound faith and a resilient nature. To be grateful for the strength and grace that gets us through hard times. To be grateful for the people that come to us as angels for a moment or a decade, to teach us about ourselves and get us through rough times. To be grateful for peace when understanding doesn't come. To be grateful for patience and divine order when life isn't moving and results aren't coming at a pace we'd like.

This is the kind of unshakeable gratitude that doesn't depend on external circumstances. The kind of love that doesn't require the presence of a particular kind of relationship or family or set of friends. Because external circumstances good or bad, always have a way of changing, don't they?

Nevertheless, I am grateful for things both external and internal in my life. The roof over my head; the puppy at my feet as I write this; the glorious family I have that, in the face of all its tragedy, continues to move in the energy of love; my father's side of my family and their renewed presence in my life and how loving they are; new friends and old ones; being able to serve others; my profoundly beautiful spiritual home; my body that gets me places, gives me information and looks pretty good despite my occasional abuse of it; all the feelings, good and bad, that inform me of what's going on and what to do about it; my intuition; my talent - and that I can use it in exchange for currency that pays the bills; my faith in the goodness of life and others, sometimes even when I can't see it; and I am grateful for every mess in my life that brought me the wisdom I can use to grow myself and help others.

Most of all, I'm grateful that grace means there is nothing I have to do or have to be, to just "be" worthy. That I am here is enough.

And it is enough that you are here, too.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Facebook Part I

2011-11-23T10:26:00.001-06:00

I was just chatting with a friend this weekend about Facebook, and a status update I had posted last week.

Here's the post: "Please copy and paste this as your status, even for just a minute, if you know someone who is alive today because you can't afford a hit man." In no time I had twenty-five likes and 16 comments! What is that? I admit - my posts usually come from this blog, are quirky, spiritual, or grateful. Like me. (Right. Whatever.) Prize for best response came from Constance Parten, who simply said, "Wine. Out m'nose." And by the way, I would not have reconnected with Constance Parten without Facebook, and without that connection, wouldn't be featured next month in Curve Magazine and blogging for them online. So Facebook has some very clear networking advantages. Plus just plain reconnecting with Constance, which would have been enough. ;-)

But here's the first thing (second thing comes in part two): What's with the TWENTY-FIVE likes on a "hit man" status update? A gratitude update might garner two or three likes on my page. I hope it's the humor with which I intended the post more than the sentiment that garnered the likes.

Even so, doesn't the human condition, from time to time, lead us down a shadowy path that a status update like that can provide us release from? Doesn't such humor come from the recognition that we have been hurt, and in our belief that we have been threatened, bring us relief? I paused for a long time before posting that status update, but the humorist in me won. The realist in me beat out the voices that would otherwise condemn me - especially as a chaplain for such a non-spiritual approach. Right?

But is it "un-spiritual" to acknowledge feelings, especially the release of them through humor, even as "dark" as the hit man fun? On this I say no. And, since there were no specific names mentioned, and I didn't pay a hit man, nor would I ever, I can safely say, no harm done. But I have met a few people who would land on either side of the spectrum regarding the idea. Some who have really have considered - and even tried to go through with - this idea, and others who would chastise me at best, or condemn me at worst, for posting it in the first place.

The critical voices I've internalized from the past, as have we all, sit on my shoulder when I think bad thoughts about another. At one time in my life, and I'm sure in the lives of all of us, those voices were useful in reminding us to be "nice" - parents, old loves, society, religion. There's a bully or two who could use these voices for self-discipline. But what good do such voices do when all they are useful for in the present is judging ourselves for having less than positive feelings about others? We just do have these feelings and thoughts, from time to time.

People will go to great lengths to avoid their "unpleasant" feelings - as if feelings are good or bad in the first place. They all originate as sensations in the body that we assign opinions to and then take action on or not. Some people might hire hit men to express their pain, and others might flit from relationship to relationship no matter how long they last, in order to avoid having to relate to their own selves for any length of time. I've been one of those people who avoid their feelings.

One thing is surely guaranteed when we avoid our feelings and don't look at ourselves. Our "bad" feelings wind up running us if we don't attend to them lovingly. Guaranteed.

Wow. Did I digress from my Facebook topic? Sorta.

Facebook is a great way to share a little ordinary spirituality in the connection of so many, and the lifting up of spirits through humor, insight, and shared feelings. If we choose to use it that way. Facebook is now woven into the fabric of our lives. There's no denying that. For some it is a way to blow off steam with a status update like the one I posted, and gives us a chance to release a little something through humor. Or, just plain be fun or funny. Never mind the passive aggressive or sometimes out right total aggressiveness that sometimes occurs on Facebook, that's a different story. And I'm certainly not referring to any of my friends on Facebook when I point this out.

But in other ways, Facebook plays on a sense of confidence, self esteem, and elicits compassion when those things are best experienced with others personally, or from within ourselves exclusively. I've been thinking a lot on this lately too, and this is where I think Facebook is like eating candy, when we should be getting good emotional nutrients from real life instead.

I'll get to that later this week.

And yes, I use Facebook to network this blog. Oh, the irony.

Kennedy Assassination

2011-11-22T18:08:00.001-06:00

It's November 22, 2011. I know. That's simple enough. It's the 48th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination today.

I was not old enough to share a specific memory today of that day in 1963.

The best I can do is say I've played a role in a show, the first act of which was set on November 22, 1963. Set in a high school gym, the character I played has this line after hearing the "president has been shot: "The president of the student council has been shot?"

In fact, I've played two roles in this play, at different times, of course, but I digress.

What I'm trying to say is this: The Kennedy assassination is my generation's 9/11. Or, at least that's what Marianne Williamson said, and I agree. So, for whatever reason, not just this year, but every year, I remember this day with some sadness. Perhaps the sadness of a generation.

Yeah, I've been sad today. Not entirely about Kennedy to be sure. Nevertheless, November 22 has always seemed to be significant to me.

I don't have my own story to share of the day, like these people do, but it's a loss I carry in my molecules, I think, and no one of my generation, I believe, escapes that. Come to think about it, I haven't talked too much with people I know about this - but it is clearly and obviously a collective experience.

There's that "we're all one" in the airy fair love way, but honestly, sometimes that experience is easier to imagine in the collective consciousness and immediacy of loss and uncertainty.

I have a friend who I admire greatly for the way she can fully feel her feelings, no matter what they are. She reminds me when I feel grief that "you have to feel that stuff all the way. You really don't know exactly what you are working through when you grieve."

So on November 22, in my experience of sadness, I really could be releasing the loss of an entire generation. In my teeny own way, that is. What did you do today?

A human being is a part of the whole,

called by us "Universe,"

a partlimited in time and space.

He experiences himself,

his thoughts and feelings

as something separated

from the rest

- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us,

restricting us to our personal desires

and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.

Our task must be to free ourselvesfrom this prison

by widening our circle of compassion

to embrace all living creaturesand the whole of nature in its beauty.

Nobody is able to achieve this completely,

but the striving for such achievement

is in itself

a part of the liberation

anda foundation for inner security.

~Albert Einstein

Know Thyself

2011-11-20T17:51:00.000-06:00

The more I know myself,

the less I am affected

by others' opinions of me.

Delight and Danger

2011-11-15T18:00:00.000-06:00

There is a delight and danger in opening to Spirit,

for we may be transformed

and never able to be quite the way we were before.

Such life-changing possibilities

will require us to surrender

to whatever God has to reveal,

for it seems to methat the surrender of willfulness

is intimately involved in openness.

But let us think of what lies ahead for us

in openness to Spirit:

God’s wonderful surprises, most certainly,

and Ernest Holmes puts it this way when he simply says,

“When you are free from the negation of emotional conflict,

the mind becomes a clear, pure channel

through which God’s Wisdom flows,

and there is created for you the good you desire.”

In our openness lies the invitation to Good.

The footsteps toward it are ours.

~From “Total Openness to Good”

by Rev. Dr. Margaret Stortz,

Science of Mind 11/11.

What Are You Hiding?

2011-11-12T08:39:00.001-06:00

To embrace our shadow
and derail the possibility
of the Shadow Effect taking us down,
we must open up to a greater truth
about our humanness
and what lurks beneath the surface
of the person
we believe ourselves to be.
What part of yourself are you hiding?
~Debbie Ford

In Love

2011-11-09T20:40:00.000-06:00

I am in Love with Love

and Love is in Love with me.

My body is in Love with the soul

and the soul is in Love with my body.

I opened my arms to Love

and Love embraced me like a lover.

~Rumi

One Crazy Thing

2011-11-07T21:25:00.002-06:00

What one crazy thing

would you do

if nothing was holding you back?

Yeah. You.

(Just asking)

Genius

2011-11-07T07:30:00.000-06:00

Everyone is a genius.

But if you judge a fish

by it's ability to climb a tree,

it will live it's whole life

believing it is stupid.

~Einstein

You're Ready

2011-11-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

When the opportunity to let someone in

is more important

than the fear of shutting them out

then "you're ready."

you have the right and power

to define the kinds of things

you’re available to experience.

Love and Be Loved

2011-11-04T17:23:00.000-05:00

Your security is guaranteed

through the sharing

of your love.

The peace and safety for which you yearn

is not a matter of food, clothing, and shelter.

It is a matter of love.

Love and be loved,

and all else will be added

unto you.

The world will perform its magic

when you step into yours.

That is the promise of God,

and it will be kept.

~Neale Donald Walsh

Laughing At the Word Two

2011-11-02T21:47:00.002-05:00

Only

That Illumined

One

Who keeps

Seducing the formless into form

Had the charm to win my

Heart.

Only a Perfect One

Who is always

Laughing at the word

Two

Can make you know

Love.

~Hafiz

Words

2011-10-31T09:49:00.002-05:00

When you hear words that hurt, distract, or disappoint,

at minimum,

a silent whisper of gratitude

is due the soul

who unwittingly risked friendship

with a spiritual giant,

so that you might sooner understand

that words needn't ever hurt, distract, or disappoint.

~The Universe

Rigorous Self Honesty

2011-10-30T21:48:00.000-05:00

Our good nature and endearing qualities

will not arouse the answers to our prayers.

Rather,

it is our mischievous, dishonest attributes

that provide the master keys to heaven.

When we identify and work

to transform our self-centered qualities

and crooked characteristics,

the key turns and the gates unlock.

Blessings and good fortune

are now free to rain down upon us.
~Yehuda Berg

Naked...

2011-10-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

It's easy to take your clothes off and have sex.

People do it all the time.

But opening up your soul to someone,

letting them know your spirit, thoughts, fears,

future, hopes, dreams...that is being naked.

~Unknown

Company In The House?

2011-10-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

I have a great deal of company in the house,

especially in the morning when nobody calls.

~Henry David Thoreau

I don't know about you,

but I find myself at my most vulnerable in the morning.

Sometimes the critical

voices in my head

that believe they know what's best for me

tend to cause me so much stress

I think they need

a figurative trip behind the woodshed,

or perhaps,

as Mindy Audlin points out in this week's

What If Up update,

they (I) need a timeout.

Already?

Moments upon awakening?

I suppose it's good practice for the rest of the day.

And it's self-compassion too.

And self-compassion as a quality

is more effective,

if you haven't noticed,

than self-confidence and self-esteem,

according to recent studies.

My friend Lewie used to say,

we can do to ourselves in ten seconds

what no one else can do to us in ten years.

He was referring to our lack of compassion for ourselves.

VERY few people are exempt

from treating themselves terribly

in their own minds.

Personally, I try to start with NOT

comparing my insides

to other people's outsides.

(My friend Lara

has a blog on this matter,

right here.)

"In the game of perfection, no one wins."

So many stresses in our world

are based in trying to be like someone else

or better than someone else,

dominating or being dominated,

controlling or being controlled.

Being authentically you

is enough.

How could you be anyone else?

Are there

houseguests

lurking about in your mental attic?

What are they trying to tell you?

Are they serving you,
or do you need to give them a
"time out?"

Cultivating Love

2011-10-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

Love is not something we give or get;

it is something that we nurture and grow,

a connection that can only be cultivated

between two people

when it exists within each one of them –

we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

~Brene Brown

Client of The Week

2011-10-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

I don't have a client of the week feature,

but if I did,

Colleen Doyle gets the prize.

It's not because she is adorable,

and her mom is great,

though those reasons are plenty enough...

but it's because,

surprise,

she went to school with G-Man P,

and was his friend,

and her mom remembers him from second grade,

and these kids are twenty years old now for Pete's sake...

Just sayin'...

Did dinner and a show

after the shoot.

Ghosts.
You can find video here.

Excellent work.

From the show:

"I am half inclined to think we are all ghosts...

It is not only what we have inherited

from our fathers and mothers

that exists again in us,

but all sorts of old dead ideas

and all kinds of old dead beliefs and things of that kind.

They are not actually alive in us;

but there they are dormant,

all the same,

and we can never be rid of them.

Whenever I take up a newspaper

and read it,

I fancy I see ghosts creeping between the lines.

There must be ghosts all over the world.

They must be as countless

as the grains of the sands,

it seems to me."

~Henrik Ibsen

Movement to Gratitude

2011-10-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

The movement to gratitude

involves the discovery that God is the God of history

and that things are quietly and slowly unfolding as they should.

My spiritual task is to learn to listen

to all that is going on

and trust that God’s hand is guiding me.

Then life is no longer a series of interruptions

to my schedule and plans,

but rather the patient and purposeful way

by which God forms and leads me day by day.

Gratitude makes the interruption

into an invitation,

and the occasion of complaint

into a moment for contemplation.

-- Henri Nouwen,

(Borrowed from Retta Blaney's beautiful blog Life Upon The Sacred Stage.)

Wonder Dog

2011-10-20T00:10:00.001-05:00

Sam The Wonder Dog.

That is all.

Life Is Right

2011-10-18T21:41:00.000-05:00

“It is always what I have already said:

always the wish that you may find patience enough

in yourself to endure,

and simplicity enough to believe;

that you may acquire more and more confidence

in that which is difficult,

and in your solitude among others.

And for the rest,

let life happen to you.

Believe me:

life is right, in any case.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Your Individual Soul

2011-10-13T22:01:00.001-05:00

"We are meant to overcome adversity

and manifest the greatest version

of our own individual soul,

not a version of a self

that is birthed out of a fantasy."

~Debbie Ford

Life does not fit into a Bento box.

Hard as one might wish it could.

Client of The Week

2011-10-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

I don't have a client of the week feature,

but if I did,

Dana wins the prize this week.

Topping off a GREAT weekend full of fun, love, and RAIN

Dana and I did our shoot yesterday evening indoors.

Turns out Dana and I had an interesting connection.

The world is tiny, really.

I wish her the best as she moves to Michigan soon.

Girl, take your coat!

Occupy Austin Day 1

2011-10-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

The money powers

prey upon the nation

in times of peace

and conspire against it

intimes of adversity.

The banking powers are more despotic

than a monarchy,

moreinsolent

than autocracy,

more selfish

than bureaucracy.

They denounce as publicenemies

all who question their methods

or throw light upon their crimes. I

havetwo great enemies,

the Southern Army in front of me

and the bankers in therear.

Of the two,

the one at my rear is my greatest foe.

~Abraham Lincoln

Occupy Austin

2011-10-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

A Picture IS worth a thousand words.

We are the 99%.

Learn more about the 99% at

We are the 99%

then be a part of The Beginning at

Occupy Austin

On The Path

2011-10-05T09:09:00.001-05:00

"A path is only a path,

andthere is no affront,

to oneself or to others,

in dropping it if that is whatyour heart tells you . . .

Look at every path closely and deliberately.

Try itas many times as you think necessary.

Then ask yourself alone, one question . ..

Does this path have a heart?

If it does, the path is good;

if it doesn't itis of no use."

~Carlos Castenada

What Are You Doing?

2011-10-02T22:11:00.001-05:00

What are you doing?

What are you supposed to be doing?

Are you doing it?

What are you going to do about it?

Four of the most simply profound questions I've seen grouped together for some time.

And I found them on the wall of a third grade classroom.

Really. Think. About. It.

What are you doing?

Yes. You.

What are you supposed to be doing?

Are you doing it?

What are you going to do about it?

Bound By The Outside World

2011-09-30T08:53:00.003-05:00

"We are all contained within our own mental boundaries,

each according to our own individual awareness.

Many people live bound by the world outside them

because they know not of an inside world.

In order to bring a sense of stability into their lives,

people cling to the outside world to control how they feel.

They try to give to themselves a sense of love and well-being,

and yet it is largely beyond their control

because their love is based outside them."
~Ron Rathbun

Ever notice how we all can fall victim to the "false Gods" of money, work, relationships, sex, love, the internet, or some other pervasive or clandestine addiction? Hell, even a text message or response to a status update causes a little surge in dopamine that helps us feel better. Before you know it, we're hooked. I've found myself addicted to people, places, and things before I even knew what happened, like I was some kind of crack baby. What the hell happened? How did I get there? It isn't my fault, and it's not yours. It's easy to do. People who cling to the outside world are very good at what they do. It's very easy to join them in their ideas that the marriage, the job, the house, the car, the special brand of religion or spirituality they practice, is the answer to filling up the hole in their souls. This is ego, telling us we are not complete. The truth is, there is no hole in our souls. Some of us never escape the chase, unable to realize for even a minute that there is nothing to do,

be or say that can complete us, because

we are already complete.

What would life be like

if you had no need to prove yourself?

How would it change your choices?

Nobody Does It Better

2011-09-29T09:14:00.000-05:00

Don't do things for personal benefit.

And don't do things to avoid personal damage.

Do things to feel personal authenticity.

Then your life will make sense,

no matter what is going on around you.

~Neale Donald Walsh

What does authenticity mean to you?

A willingness to be vulnerable?

To be honest, admit a mistake, or make an amends?

A personal expression of happiness,

(or sadness)

a bit of fashion that's out of the ordinary,

smiling at a stranger who could use your joy?

Or...

Is your life defined by

the job

the partner

the children

the money

or for that matter

the absence of

the job

the partner

the children

the money?

For today,

try life from the inside out.

Strive to do three things

that reflect the true essence

of who you are,

and see what happens.

You be you today.

Nobody else does it better.

Beautiful People

2011-09-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

“The most beautiful people we have known

are those who have known defeat,

known suffering,

known struggle,

known loss,

and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have

an appreciation,

a sensitivity,

and an understanding of life

that fills them with

compassion,

gentleness,

and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people

do not just happen.”
~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross

B Iden Payne Buzz 2010

2011-09-27T09:22:00.000-05:00

The B Iden Payne nominations are out

and NxNW Theatre deserves a nod:

Micah Goodding

has been nominated

for his work in

The Laramie Project Ten Years Later.

Congratulations Micah!

Pollyanna Theatre Company

is yet again amongst the nominees!

Congratulations to my colleagues and friends.

I'm so pleased and proud to be a company member.

And if the buzz around such things wasn't enough

check out Julie and Judy on KVUE this morning.

Congrats to these fine people and all the other nominees!

Apology

2011-09-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

A true apology

is more than just acknowledgment

of a mistake.

It is the recognition

that something you have said or done

has damaged a relationship

and that you care

about the relationship

enough to want it repaired and restored.

~Norman Vincent Peale

Angry People

2011-09-26T09:10:00.003-05:00

"Angry people want you to see how powerful they are

...loving people want you to see how powerful You are."

- Chief Red Eagle

Who are you?

Appearances

2011-09-24T15:55:00.001-05:00

“Fair as the exterior may be,

if you go in,

you will find bare places,

heaps of rubbish that can never be taken away,

cold hearths,

desolate altars,

and windows veiled with cobwebs”

~Unknown

What Is Within You?

2011-09-20T22:41:00.001-05:00

If you bring forth what is within you,

what you bring forth will save you.

If you do not bring forth what is within you,

what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

~Gospel of Thomas

Coming Out Again, Sorta...

2011-09-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

It's time to come out all over again, sorta,
and I'm excited!

I have been asked by the lovely Merryn Johns, editor of Curve Magazine,

to embark on blogging about Spirituality online for the magazine.

I haven't been so tickled since discovering Mexican Pepsi.

Ok, well, it's MUCH more exciting than that, but I'm tickled, nonetheless.

Look for the first blog in October.

Oh, and if you're wondering "what a lesbian looks like"

you can find out in every issue of Curve Magazine,

in the feature

"This Is What A Lesbian Looks Like."

In the November issue,

she'll look like me.

Brenda Ladd did the photo shoot for me.

When this photographer/chaplain/actor/director

needs a photograph,

she goes straight to the top.

Brenda's the best,

and we had a GREAT time

doing the shoot.
(The photo above is NOT from the shoot,
it's a self portrait, done in the great lighting found
in my bathroom. ;-) )

Look for Brenda's work of me

in the November issue of Curve,

and I'll keep you posted on

the first blog post.

This is gonna be great fun!

Meet The Parents

2011-09-16T01:02:00.002-05:00

I can't remember the last time

I felt so squishy about my parents.

I love them so much.

Even though

they've both died,

I feel closer to them than ever before.

I have a new found respect,

a deeper compassion,

and a profound affinity
for them both.

That is all.

Place Your Call

2011-09-14T22:50:00.001-05:00

Who have you been calling out for

when who you've been calling out for

is begging inside you, to be noticed?

What has life been calling you to do,

while you were creating a false sense of security,

trying to prove that you were ok,

when you've always been ok,

and therefore,

could do anything you were called to do?

Where do you place a call

when the space inside you

is where the connection is needed?

Sticky Web

2011-09-13T22:14:00.001-05:00

Some people have

the ability to create a version

of reality

like a sticky web

and make it sound

like the most reasonable thing imaginable.

All the little hooks of

superiority and guilt and shame

are part of a strategy

to get you to question yourself

and sign on to their version of reality.

~El

Belonging

2011-09-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

Detail of steel beam from WTC 9/11 bombing now housed in a memorial at The Texas State Cemetery

9/11

I'm a day late on my own experience.

Yesterday was my birthday,

so I didn't rush to comment.

It was a day filled with sorrow and loss,

joy and fulfillment,

and hope.

All of that.

The whole package.

This is what I've grown to accept

about my birthday.

Yesterday was made even more poignant

by sharing in the experience

with several people

who had lost their homes to fire.

Loss.

What a powerful emotion

associated with the unavoidable

forward movement we call change.

It brings us closer together,

driven to belong somewhere

after we mistakenly thought what belonged to us

gave us a sense of belonging.

A person, a house, a job...

In the recent past,

I myself have "lost,"

both by choice and

the appearance of circumstance,

everything I have associated with

a sense of belonging.

My relationship,

my job,

my home,

and

parts of my social community.

And I've had it happen all at the same time.

And the most devastating part, for me,

was to have "lost"

a sense of belonging.

A divorce,

A job loss,

A fire,

a death,

A terrorist attack.

They redefine how we

experience a sense of belonging

in the world.

There is no way to prevent change,

whether it's "good or bad."

(whatever that may mean)

but the human condition,

as far as I can tell,

drives each of us to

connect and belong

in a sense of shared experience.

A sense of belonging

shapes our lives

and contributes to our happiness.

This, I certainly felt yesterday,

and I hope others who are experiencing loss

at this time,

have that experience as well.

It certainly makes

living in a chaotic world

easier.

This blog was started on my birthday,

two years ago,

in a quest to belong

and feel uplifted

in the experience of a loss,

and to reach for a sense

of belonging

and connection.

Here we are.

Central Texas Fires - The Smoke

2011-09-07T18:00:00.000-05:00

At first,

you might think there's nothing odd

about this photo at all.

Except...

it's a magnificently "clear" day

here in Austin,

weather wise,

and the sky this morning

was as beautiful azure blue as you'd want to see.

Then the Bastrop wildfire smoke

hit an inversion layer

and descended upon us.

Here to stay for awhile,

but not too long.

This is the part where

I wish we had an olfactory feature

in our digital cameras.

Why not?

We've got every other bell and whistle.

It smells like a campfire out there,

well, with a bit of plastic thrown in...

The good news is,

this weather pattern

that is trapping the smoke in the air

is helping firefighters

battle the blaze

in Bastrop,

but the winds change

and kick up tomorrow again

from the northeast.

They hope to get some if it contained enough

so that it doesn't spread further,

but if they can't,

then it will get worse.

"Good intentions are at least,

the seed of good actions;

and every one ought to sow them,

and leave It to the soil and the seasons

whether He or any other gather they fruit."

~ William Temple Sr.

May our good intentions gather fruit right now.

Snapshot ;-)

2011-09-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

"A good snapshot stops a moment from running away."

~Eudora Welty

Central Texas Fires

2011-09-06T09:59:00.000-05:00

It was a surreal experience yesterday sitting at a light just outside my neighborhood watching a huge plume of smoke 40 miles from my house. I was listening to the BBC World News report on the very fire from which I was seeing smoke.

There's a glorious view of the hill country just up the hill from my house where I viewed the smoke from another fire burning land and homes to the west in Steiner Ranch. It was a stunningly beautiful day yesterday, but the fires were having a serious impact all around us.

I know we claim that God loved Texas so much he made the sunset burnt orange, but we had a little help yesterday from some smoke. Here's the view from East Austin.

Last night at midnight, I found myself on a dirt road taking photos of only a portion of the Bastrop fire. It's huge, sixteen miles long. It is devastating the town, as we all have heard.

The fire in Steiner Ranch destroyed 35 homes - and some of those were the homes of friends. There were 22 NEW fires that broke out just yesterday. In the last 48 hours over 700 homes have been destroyed.

There's no way to be more than one degree of separation away from someone who has been impacted - I have a colleague who lost her home. She lost her dog too because she wasn't home when the area was evacuated and closed down. She could not return to get her dog. He was killed in the fire. The news broke my heart.

Gratefully and lovingly, I am aware of my precious Sam, who is sprawled, sleeping right next to me on his back, having his after breakfast nap as he does every morning while I journal and begin my day.

I took this photo of the smoke from the Bastrop fire just behind Overton Elementary in East Austin. It's the view the students have today as they return to school.

The great big beautiful expanse of land here is a tinder box.

Think, pray, meditate (or do whatever it is you do) on this area of Central Texas.We're completely grateful for the cooler temperatures, and now we are grateful in advance, for gentle soothing rain.

2011-09-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

"Lying is nasty business.

It requires creating trust just so one can break it.

Nice stuff that"

~Barb

Reaching Out

2011-09-04T05:24:00.000-05:00

Make Peace

2011-09-02T08:09:00.001-05:00

It may sound odd,

but the fastest way to get to a new-and-improved situation

is to make peace with your current situation.”

- Abraham

School of Life

2011-08-31T18:48:00.000-05:00

Hard curriculum is a compliment to your soul.

You are more than you've known.

Enjoy the compliment.

~Mary Morrissey

Choices

2011-08-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

More AGLIFF Goodies

2011-08-27T10:07:00.000-05:00

Blog on

Girl Shorts

for AGLIFF

is up.

Check it out!

And go to the festival!

Sleeping Heart

2011-08-25T00:03:00.000-05:00

Awake, my dear.

Be kind to your sleeping heart.

Take it out into the vast

fields of Light and let it breathe.

Say, 'Love, give me back my wings.

Lift me.

Lift me nearer.'

Holy

2011-08-23T08:54:00.000-05:00

There is a silence into which the world cannot intrude.

There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost.

There is a sense of holiness in you the thought of sin has never touched.

All this today you will remember.

(A Course in Miracles)

Speak

2011-08-21T18:00:00.001-05:00

Here is the time for the sayable,

here is its home.

Speak and attest.

More than ever

the things we can live with are falling away,

and ousting them,

filling their place,

a will with no image.

Will beneath crusts

which readily crack

whenever the act inside

swells and seeks new borders.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Movies and Movies and Movies, Oh My!

2011-08-19T07:00:00.006-05:00

You is kind.

You is smart.

You is important.

Totally off topic.

Ok, not totally.

Go. See. This. Movie.

Brilliant.

Beautiful.

The Help is wonderful.

There are not enough words

to describe its gorgeousness.

Thank you Participant Media

(and those of you who intern there, ahem!)

Meanwhile,

over on the AGLIFF site,

There's a review from Yours Truly

about a beautiful documentary

that comes to us from South Africa

called Waited For.

Catch it at this year's

AGLIFF...

where the finest theatres in Austin

have been secured

for this year's festival!

And finally,

Seven Days In Utopia.

My sassy friend Liz over at the Mambo

shared the book with me,

in which her dad

is a prominent character,

just last Christmas.

Now, go to the movies!

Dirt Roads

2011-08-18T07:30:00.004-05:00

It's usually a dirt road

that leads to the diamond mine.

Normal

2011-08-16T08:08:00.000-05:00

Normal is not something to aspire to,

it's something to get away from.

~Jodie Foster

Blank Joy

2011-08-12T09:24:00.000-05:00

She who did not come, wasn't she determined
nonetheless to organize and decorate my heart?
If we had to exist to become the one we love,
what would the heart have to create?

Lovely joy left blank, perhaps you are
the center of all my labors and my loves.
If I've wept for you so much, it's because
I preferred you among so many outlined joys.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Right as Rain

2011-08-11T10:36:00.001-05:00

When nothing goes right,

go left.

On another note:

I took this photo on a rainy day

at Peter Pan Miniature Golf Course.

I was the only one there aside from the attendant.

Rain:

"Water that is condensed

from the aqueous atmosphere

and falls to the earth in drops."

Just in case you'd forgotten.

Precipitation.

Do a little rain dance today.

Do a Precipitation Polka.

or a Tornadic Tango.

Something.

To See God Clearly

2011-08-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

The moment you come to trust chaos,

you see God clearly.

Chaos is divine order,

versus human order.

Change is divine order

versus human order.

When the chaos becomes safety to you,

then you know you are seeing God clearly.

~Caroline Myss

Bless It

2011-08-06T14:07:00.001-05:00

Bless a thing

and it will bless you.

Curse it

and it will curse you...

If you bless a situation,

it has no power to hurt you,

and even if it is troublesome for a time,

it will gradually fade out,

if you sincerely bless it.

~ Emmet Fox